#i cant even motivate myself to write which is that thing i want to do forever

[lemongogo]

why do i love the conflict more than anything else . the misery . the incompatibility that spreads like oil slick . wanting so desperately for resolution that never comes . hmmm

[francy-sketches]

I'm gonna have to work on my final project non stop for like a month straight bc I procrastinated on it too much fuck my stupid baka life

[skitskatdacat63]

I feel uninspired and lack motivation for art again so I thought of an ask game for me :)

Send me(or comment) a number from 1-34 and I will draw my corresponding oc

I mentally struggled over whether I should make this post, because ik ocs are niche and probably not many people care for it, but I realized I could have been using those hours to y'know. Actually draw something. So I might as well just post it

[munch-mumbles]

kj post five hundred thousand lamenting the loss of my passion for drawing because its starting to feel like its never coming back

[f1rodrigo]

the mclaren boy mystery | part three

l. norris / o. piastri

summary: in which your boyfriend is a formula one driver for team mclaren and when you finally decide it's time to start hinting to the world, the internet is confused on exactly which driver is your boyfriend. pairing: social media au || lando norris / oscar piastri x reader fc: jazmyn makenna

a/n: honestly i have no clue how long it's been... but I KNOW it's been LONG. and i am incredibly sorry. but wow is it easy for things to just get away from me but i finally got the motivation and want to continue this so here we are! who knows how long it will last but let me not get ahead of myself with any promises. i hope you all are well and enjoy! MWAH <3

part one | part two

sweet relief series | valentine's day

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liked by oscarpiastri, charles_leclerc and 54,899 others

yourusername keepin it classy 🍸 @/alexandrasaintmleux

view all 1,922 comments

user1 not sure classy is the word i'd use...

⤷ user2 seek help<3

user3 WHEN TWO WAGS MEET UP TO MAXIMIZE THEIR JOINT WAG

⤷ user4 stfusshdf im crying

⤷ user5 the way we don't even know for sure if shes a wag

user6 shes so IT girl i cant

alexandrasaintmleux my girl

⤷ yourusername mwah mwah mwah

user7 oscar in the likes bro im gonna end it all

user8 with alex... charles in the likes... double date...walk with me here

⤷ user9 just cause charles liked doesn't mean he was with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

⤷ user10 fr like his gf is in the post 😭

landonorris text me back maybe

⤷ yourusername desperate much

⤷ user11 WHY DOES HE NEED TO TEXT HER WHEN THEY SHOULD BE TOGETHER??????

⤷ user12 bc she was there with oscar... piastri nation RISE 💆‍♀️

⤷ user13 my jaws on the floor i don't know what to believe anymore

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liked by mclaren and 1,282,094 others

yourusername yee... haw?

p.s. a shoutout to @/oscarpiastri for the chugging tips...

view all 3,138 comments

user1 omg ok. can everyone just stay calm.

user2 ARE WE READING THE CAPTION. I REPEAT ARE WE READING THE CAPTION

⤷ user1 great so that'd be a no.

oscarpiastri not sure they boded well seeing as about 5? seconds after that photo there was wine down your shirt... but you're? welcome?

⤷ yourusername …mind ur business piastri

⤷ oscarpiastri hey you dragged me into this mess first

user3 ynoscar nation its been amazing, i think we're nearing our well deserved victory

⤷ user4 LETS NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES

user5 such excellent wag material here guys i NEED to know if she's dating one of them

user7 fuck landoscar DATE ME! LOVE ME!

user8 ynlando nation it feels so over 😪

⤷ user9 WE CANNOT GIVE UP NOW

user10 user landonorris found dead in a ditch

user11 this is certifiably INSANE what do YOU MEAN chugging tips???!?!?!?

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liked by mclaren and 1,282,094 others

landonorris 100 stickers, 100 races, and a brand new trophy to add to the mix 🏆❤️

view all 3,138 comments

user1 the writing on the second pic he is so unserious

user2 ur honor i love him 🥲

yourusername special weekend. congrats.

⤷ user3 why am i getting friend vibes

⤷ user4 fr just grasping at straws now huh 😭😭

⤷ user5 no but the periods???? its giving my mom when shes mad at me

⤷ user6 "special weekend" WHAT DO U MEANNNNN

⤷ user7 maybe it has something to do with the 100th race and podium....... 😭

oscarpiastri good job 👏

⤷ user8 maybe landoscar are dating

⤷ user9 CORRECT!

⤷ user10 at least oscar can add an emoji

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liked by yourusername, mclaren and 102,761 others

oscarpiastri not our weekend... but the company makes it a bit better. 🇲🇽 here we come!

view all 403 comments

user1 you're joking. you're fucking joking.

user2 THE LAST SLIDE YN IS IN THE LAST SLIDE

⤷ user3 PLUS THE CAPTION??????? its giving soft launch im sorry this is basically confirmation

⤷ user4 but like its really not though

mclaren 🧡🧡🧡🧡

user5 nah am i the only one thinking they're just fucking with us at this point 😭

user6 are we forgetting that there are also two other girls in that picture

⤷ user7 well... yes BUT they've been known to be friends of oscars so its like...

⤷ user8 so its like he posted a photo of his friends! yup!

⤷ user9 no fr like yn is also known to be friends with oscar? its all just internet speculation how is this confirmation

⤷ user10 well we've never got a grid post from lando of yn sooooo

⤷ user11 valid point

user12 on to the next!! keep pushing, we love you<3

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landonorris added to their story

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yourusername added to their story

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liked by yourusername, mclaren and 282,654 others

lando.jpg team mclaren

view all 471 comments

user1 this is adorable

user2 NEW JPG POST AKA MY REASON TO LIVE JUST DROPPED

user3 CAPTION LAST SLIDE OH MY GOD IS THAT YN

⤷ user4 I THINK SO SHE WAS WEARING THAT TOP IN COTA

user5 ynlando has never been so alive holy shit

user6 forget ynlando!! we've got oscar in a jpg post 🥹

yourusername 4life

⤷ user7 im in a puddle of tears

⤷ user8 this feels so much like confirmation guys!!!!!!

⤷ user9 idgaf if they're dating or not either way this relationship is so adorable wtf 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

user10 ynoscar truther clocking in! i pretend i do not see!

user11 i'm going to pass out

user12 he considers her part of team mclaren 🥲🥲🥲🥲

user13 i swear they see us freaking out and are like here’s more content to confuse the fuck out of you even more

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part one | part two

taglist:

i know it has been a while so just message me or reply to be removed or added <3333

@landoscar-f1 @urfavnoirette @imsiriuslyreal @geniusalpaca @wadupppp

@tinyhrry @clemmisser @itsprashimusic @leclercdream @eugene-emt-roe

@lozzamez3 @sbrn0905 @ririyulife @not-nyasa @bloodyymaryyy

@ihatetakumi @orangetreekid @ares10156 @susieees-blog

@loloekie @sarx164 @evie-119

@saachiep81 @vicurious28 @awritingtree @callsignwidow

[drdemonprince]

ive been thinking alot about agency, morality, and age a lot recently just because of where im at in my own life and trying to understand/process/adapt to my own shit (cptsd/did stuff basically) so the recent discussions on this blog and your substack writing have been very compelling to me. i feel often that i am procrastinating "getting my shit together" or "being an adult" and its a definitely a guilty/shameful feeling like im doing something wrong because im not living my life in an organised sustainable way atm and i feel like i "should" be doing that "by now" as i approach 30 (which i mean isnt really that old taking a step back, but still holds some cultural weight in my mind as a threshold). but yea aside from shame not really being a great motivator, it also loops into that like assumed passivity or like a denial of agency as in i tend to automatically frame things as obligations, like things that i have to do rather than things that i choose to do, and frankly its bullshit lol. often ill think about it as like, im not yet acting as "an adult" because im not making choices and being responsible but literally everyone regardless of age makes choices and is responsible for their actions thats kind of the human condition. i think i have this phobia of my own agency, or my own desire maybe, and this moral obligation framework is a defense against that, which idk i could relate this to being an ex catholic personally but i think its a part of the whole western christian hegemony in general. its this fake, poison comfort where i cant do/be wrong because i didnt "decide" what to do im just doing what im supposed to (which isnt even actually what im doing because im having a mental health crisis instead but yea). its scarier to accept the reality of being a subject than to deny it, especially when that denial (and personally, dissociation) has been your defense mechanism against stress/trauma/suicidality etc. like occasionally im worried if i really let go of this idea of a moral obligation to act a certain way or to fulfil some vague ideal role of "responsible adult" and i own up to my own emotional reality and my own wants and needs and agency then i dont know what ill choose to do with the suicidal ideation tbqh and i mean personally i feel like that should be up to me like theoretically i agree with what (i think) youve said before? that it cant really be up to anyone else what to do with my body and my life, and it shouldn't be. i mean when im in a good headspace, i think id choose to live anyway, and maybe (probably) allowing myself to fully exist as a person and be a little more honestly self serving will improve my qol a lot, but right now that idea of a moral obligation to live (and live a certain way) is my wall against that feeling that id really rather not so its terrifying to try and question that. but on the other hand the resentment toward myself, others, and life in general that builds up over time when treating life itself is an obligation is unsurprisingly fucking awful lol. but yeah anyway i dont think theres any conclusion to this other than that eventually we all have to face up to our own reality or end up trapped in some inevitably toxic framework that denies whatever aspect of being a sapient animal is hardest for each of us to accept. also unrelated (mostly) your taste in porn is peak

thank you so much for sharing this unpacking, anon. This is some real how to overcome white woman fragility brain type stuff! Even if it feels open and formless right now. and like a huge well could open up beneath you into which anything could happen and there is no reason to live. keep reflecting. more writing about this kinda thing coming on Monday

[finnbbl]

Hyunjin X M! Reader - Dancer AU | SMAU | Chapter 4

Ch. 4 - Meeting Stray Kids | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter |

| Story Masterlist |

Written: Yes

Smau: Yes

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: I decided to go with Hyunjin for this story. Something about his personality draws me in and motivates me to write. I hope you guys will stick with me throughout it 🥹 (Feeling really inspired, so maybe a triple update today)

Warnings: Not much I don’t think, swearing maybe?

A couple weeks later..

Reading over that paper that previous week, you noticed it had said you would be leaving with Stray Kids within a few weeks. You weren’t sure if your eyes were working correctly. So you re-read it for what felt like a thousand times before you finally came to the conclusion that, yes, you would be leaving with them in only three weeks. Those few weeks were spent with nonstop rehearsal, which you didn’t mind. Dance was such a relaxing hobby for you. However, those few weeks left no time to actually practice with the idols yet. It was assumed you’d be doing that the few days before the first concert.

It wasn’t long before the 3 weeks was up. On the paper was also a list of stuff you should expect to bring with you. God did it seem like a lot, but you managed to fit everything into two suitcases. So there you were, luggage in hand at your front door as you waited for your friends who had agreed to take you. At 4 in the morning. They wanted to bid their final goodbyes before you took off for god knows how long. Soon enough, their car pulled up, one of the doors swinging open almost immediately. Next thing you knew, you were on the ground. “Y/NNN I CANT BELIEVE YOURE LEAVING!!!”

“Ohmygod Lia!” Laughs from the other four girls came from the car as they all watched from inside. “Now you know how I felt!” You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “Yeah yeah,” Lia eventually got up off of you and held a hand out for you, which you gladly accepted. Not sure if you could see or think straight as your head had just collided with the wall pretty hard moments earlier.

“Guys we better get going if y/n is gonna get to the airport on time!” You and Lia heard Ryujin shout from the driver side window. With that, you two were in the car. “Sooo how do you feel y/n, going on tour with such a big group?” You shrug. “What do you think the answer to that is?” Your head cocked to the side as your eyelids fell, deadpanning at Yuna. “Nervous, as always.” A scoff could be heard from you, although she wasn’t wrong. “I swear, if I had a dollar for everytime y/n got nervous over something, i’d be rich.” Yeji stated as she turned her head around to face you guys in the back seat from the passenger side.

Your eyebrows furrowed. “You already are rich Yeji.” She rolled her eyes at you playfully before turning back around. “Well thanks to Lia I can’t even focus on being nervous now that my head is pounding.” You neared her face with yours briefly. “Not my fault, you started it.” Lia retorted, followed by a pout. Her bottom lip stuck out with her crossed arms, now avoiding eye contact with you.

“Oh just a heads up y/n, i believe you’re flying on the same plane as them.” Chaeryeong told you, this took you a back. “What? But i’ve never done that before, backup dancers have always gone on separate planes as the artists.”

“Yeah well, that’s our company for you.” Chae saw the way your head fell back at this information. “I better not embarrass myself.” Muttering, now with your head in your hands. It didn’t take much for you to get so anxious. You had your anxiety to thank for that. Always worried about messing something up, or embarrassing yourself. “And that’s why I told you now.”

A hand was placed on your shoulder from her, “Don’t worry, they’re really nice. Like we said. Just relax and take a deep breath.” Following her instructions, a few moments later you were able to push it aside. Not only that, but now you were at the airport. Spotting everyone at the designated spot to meet, you could already see the eight boys of the group. “Well, we’re here. Come on get out we want a hug before you go.” Smiling to them, you six stepped out of the car as they enveloped you into a giant group hug. “Tell us all about it. We wanna hear everything.” Ryu told you, as everyone else nodded in agreement.

The eight guys noticed that the members of their fellow group was onto feet away from them outside of their car. “Hey look, it’s ITZY. I wonder what they’re doing here?” Felix grabbed his friends’ attention. “Come on we should go, I wanna say hi to Yeji.” Hyunjin told Felix, who only agreed. Quickly, they were stopped by their leader. “We’re not supposed to leave without a body guard guys.” Bangchan had said as he put a hand on each of their shoulder. The other five, weren’t paying as much attention to anything going on. After all, everyone was tired as it was so early in the morning. Once the five girls had stepped back from what appeared to them as a group huddle, they noticed you standing in the middle of them. Hugging each one of them goodbye. “Wait who’s that?” Hyunjin questioned mainly to himself, but ended up grabbing a couple of the others attention. “Woah that’s y/n l/n. He’s such a sick dancer dude.” Suddenly butting into the conversation, was Minho. He could appreciate a fellow good dancer. After squinting, the other three could realize that it was in fact you.

“Ohh you’re right. Hard to see out here with how dark it is.” Lee Know could only tell by your signature cap you always wore. In fact, the whole group was familiar with you. You were always trending on social media, and you had danced with many great artists. A very well known dancer, but they wouldn’t have guessed you’d be traveling with them.

Just then, all five of the girls began smiling and pointing in their direction. Causing you to look over at them, you waved nervously as Lia started to drag you over to them. “Oh god Lia. Please do not embarrass me.” You haulted her to a brief stop. “Relax oh my god i’m not gonna do anything. Besides, embarrassing you would mean embarrassing me.” Her statement confused you, but maybe that was her plan as you were being dragged over again. Wasn’t long before you were standing in front of Stray Kids, a few other of the backup dancers stood to the side. “Hi guys, this is y/n.” Lia started to introduce you as you yanked your arm out of her grasp. “Lia, I don’t think they nor I came here for an introduction.” You let out an heavy breath and rolled your eyes. This earned a smile from a few of the members, at least the ones who had noticed the six of you. “Well anyways we should get going and so should you guys. We just came here to drop him off.” Chaeryeong stated before they started slowly making their way to the car. “It was nice to see you guys again, bye!!” All the girls called out their goodbyes to both you and the boys.

Moments of silence passed as you all waited for the rest to show up. Then it wasn’t long before you all headed to check in. “So, y/n…” You had heard someone next to you say your name. Hesitantly turning your head towards them, you realized it was Bangchan. After first finding out who you’d be touring with, you decided to do a bit of research on them. Learn their names and such. “Oh, me?” It was hard to believe someone like him would be talking to you. He nodded and chuckled at your response. “So how do you know ITZY? Never seen you dance with them before so i was just curious.” His head tilted to the side, eyebrows furrowed. “Oh well uh, I went to high school with Lia.” A small smile fell on your face as you responded quietly. “Ahh gotcha. Well, we’re excited to work with you.” His elbow nudged you lightly, all you could do was smile like a dork. If it wasn’t thanks to your mask, you’d be an embarrassed mess. It was hard for you to take compliments, especially in person. A few more words was exchanged with their leader before you all made it to security.

The next few steps were done efficiently and quietly. Next thing you knew, you were on the plane. Examining the interior was like nothing you had seen before. You never expected the plane to be so fancy. Only having toured with a few other artists, who weren’t under very large companies. Considering how popular this group and company was, it made sense. You had learned from the girls how touring with artists worked, seats would be random but you’d only hoped you wouldn’t be seated next to one of the members. Not that they weren’t nice or anything, but you couldn’t handle sitting that close to someone so famous. They lived an entirely different life, one you’d never experience or understand.

But as your luck would have it, the tallest member of the group took the middle seat right next to you. Trying to avoid any unnecessary eye contact or interaction, mostly for your nerves’ sake, you found yourself staring outside the window. And it worked, for five minutes at least. “Heyyy y/n, it’s nice to meet you.” The member known as Hyunjin, had positioned himself to face you. With no other choice, you decided to turn his direction and face him. “Hey, it’s uh.. nice to meet you too.” Hyunjin tilted his head to the side, a gentle look resting on his eyes. Something about them relaxed you, and for some reason you weren’t anxious. Pulling off your mask, as it was starting to get pretty hot, you shot him a warm smile. Silence enveloped you two. As he was about to say something else, the pilot interrupted with the usual script they followed.

Taglist: @silverstarburst @virluna148

[translucio]

more veilguard thoughts! minor spoilers below cut

stuff im liking:

still having fun with combat

level design has been good, tons to explore, solid puzzles. beautiful environments. im liking how distinct and lived in the big cities are feeling.

i am liking lucanis more than i expected.....i know Everyone is simping over him but.. i might have to as well and romance him instead of bellara ��

im liking how bite sized the codex entries are. makes it easy to read them all on pickup whereas in inquisition sometimes it was like godddd i want the lore but i dont wanna read five pages right now

petting cats and dogs! i love the haptic purring, that's a really good way to do it (i would honestly love to see that polished even further with variations + meowing/whining/sniffing/licking sounds thru the controller but hey, it's a tiny part of the game and what they have is fine)

the resource economy is feeling pretty decent to me, im motivated to seek out collectables, i buy stuff from vendors often, i understand the upgrade system enough to inform my decisions. it feels very god of war or ghost of tsushima. so my only worry is that i might just get bored of it after many hours as i did in those games (which, i think the solution to that is for the level design to keep things interesting and satisfying enough that theyre rewarding even without the collectibles. so we'll see)

stuff im not really liking

overall plot so far feels Just Okay. but i felt that way about 2 and inquisition too lol

it is actually starting to really bum me out that you can't talk to people at will. like, the lack of dialogue choices in it, for a bioware game, is troubling to me. these settings and characters are interesting and filling me with many questions! i want to be able to dive deeper into them, but i just cant. you just get barks for all the world npcs. and the lack of choices really makes rook feel more like a prewritten/predestined character rather than one that's really yours to characterize. i realize it's a lot of writing and voice acting $$ to have that many dialogues, but that's one of the main selling points for bioware games for me... and it feels weird that other games are now doing it better than dragon age.

similarly the lack of continuity of choices from previous games makes me sad.

i still haven't gotten all that far, but i am several hours in at this point, and i gotta say i am kinda missing side quests a bit... related to the point about lacking world dialogue, but the world is feeling a little bit underwhelming in terms of the character and lore context/depth that i find myself wanting. which was a big problem for me in inquisition as well. like sure, there are collectables and hidden paths and puzzles to navigate through, and those are absolutely a huge improvement over inquisition's. but those don't give life and flavor and narrative depth to the environment the way that having meaningful interactions with npcs does. the barks are nice, but they leave me wanting significantly more in terms of interaction and depth.

im gonna keep comparing it to god of war (2018 - haven't played ragnarok yet) since that's really the closest thing its reminding me of. and while i loved god of war, i did feel like its world was very lonely. it made up for it with its extremely honed in narrative focus on the journey of the two established characters, and the quality of its writing and voice acting both for their dialogues and the few quests with other characters. it's not a game about the setting or how it shapes the characters that live there, it's about a grieving father and son who happen to be gods.

whereas dragon age IS about its world almost as much as it is about its characters. and with such a rich setting with three prior entries to build on, it seems kind of a shame to let players explore all these places we've heard about but not meaningfully interact with the characters there outside of Big Epic Story Moments or companion-focused quests, especially when you could in the previous games.

anyway.... much to think about... still enjoying it, still have more thoughts as i keep playing

[ganondoodle]

Not gonna lie, the "It looks like a Divine Circle but is actually just hundreds of years of superstition & propaganda"-Concept is the coolest fucking thing I didn't know I needed until ten minutes ago. It's a super cool inversion of the classic trope, opens up a million possibilities for stories and arcs and on top of that, in game, you would obviously not know about it form the beginning but slowly have to collect clues and hints that things are not quite as everyone tells you.

So yeah, very cool concept!

Not directly related, but it's probably no surprise that my favorite Ganondorf line is the "I coveted that Wind"-line from the finale of Wind Waker. He doesn't even go into detail, cause he doesn't have to, this line alone instantly humanizes him. Like, its the end of the game, we are about to fight him, there is no way this will not end in a fight, and yet, at that point, that line, just goes so fucking hard. Because you instantly know what he's talking about, that he simply wanted a future for his people, which, you know, is a very human thing to do. It wont stop us from fighting him here and now, way too much has happened for that, but it reminds us, the audience, that he has motives and reasons and thoughts and is an actual character.

So yeah, in case it's not obvious yet, I too despise the extremely flat "I'm evil because evil, waaaaaaaaagh!" Ganondorf from TOTK. Why even include him if you cant be arsed to actually write him?

Anyways, last thing, I'll have to somewhat disagree on the Gameplay vs Story thing, at least partially because I work in the field and have had experiences with this problem myself. Not saying its impossible to have both, but its a lot more difficult than one would expect.

Towards your point, yes a good story can pull people through a game, but so can strong gameplay. Take the Doom games, I dont really care about their story, but the gameplay is great. On the other hand, the gameplay of the average Telltale game would be incredibly boring without the story behind it. There are hybrids, but even they tend to lean one way or the other: The Assassins Creed or Uncharted Series have solid and fun gameplay, but would probably get repetitive or boring if we didn't have strong characters and stories that keep us interested. And all of that is before you consider that there are different player types that gravitate to one or the other and it gets even more complicated. (There's more to this but I my thoughts on the topic could easily be a full bachelors Thesis, so I'll stop here.)

I should add that I dont think that the gameplay over story (or vice versa) argument can or should be used to defend games or design choices. Yes, Nintendo does prefer to focus on Gameplay over Story. Does that mean we shouldn't expect a good story, or are not allowed to criticize a bad one in their games? Hell no! (And if my previous ask sounded like I was doing that, I apologize, that was NOT what I meant to say! I'll happily critique all of TOTKs flaws, both in gameplay & story, otherwise how can we learn from it?)

This argument can be used to understand and analyze or interpret design decisions but it shouldn't ever be used to defend them. Just like the "just for kids" argument, by using such arguments, the person in question basically admits that they are aware of the weaknesses and faults in their story/game/whatever but didn't fix or improve them. So yeah, I do agree with you on that front 100%, hiding behind such arguments is a problem.

Anyway, sorry for leaving another wall of text in your inbox, hope you're having a nice day!

thank you! that 'cycle' concept is also what destiny (zelda comic) is based on, since it takes place before skyward sword you get to see the set up for it, and, in this story, the gods have been trying to achieve it countless times, throughout the story of it its supposed to slowly be revealed- like demise already knowing some parts since hes yet another 'failed' version of that plan (im reusing that concept for the totk rewrite as well bc i am very original wahoo)

oh you work in that field! thats cool!! yeah my opinion on this sort of thing is very much a thing i formed bc i play games, though i still dream of gamedev, i guess i understood your mention of it a little too much into the dismissive argument way (though not as an attack) and its been repeated so so many times i cant help but get a little >_> at it; the point i was trying to make was more like ... they need to find a balance with it, like you can make it all about gameplay, but then dont pretend you have the most epicest story that ever storied, maybe even do it less or more subtle, like the fromsoft game i feel like are very well balanced in that regard, bc their lore and story is very neat and intertwined, but you have to look and think to get it, and the gameplay is strong on its own so much so that it kinda ends up being both soemthing for people that dont care about lore and those that do, more than about the gameplay

zelda feels like it doesnt quite know what to do (even moreso modern zelda), bc they prioritize the gameplay but then still put in a story that they want understood .. so its like, babiefied? like there is a "simple" story and its few points are repeated into your face over and over and over so the people that dont care to read into soemthing GET IT but also annoy them, bc they dont care anyway, and the people who care about lore/story above gameplay are bored bc the narrative isnt engaging enough and they dont care as much about the gameplay

especially so with totk i think, its so weird, botw wasnt like that imo, it wasnt overly complicated either but at least it left you wondering, and let you think, the more you thought about the more interesting it was (at least to me) totk feels like the opposite, it doesnt want you to think, bc the more you think about it the more it falls apart and makes less sense

like theres types of games that focus HARD on one or the other (like slay the princess for example, its like an interactive audio book, there isnt much gameplay but it goes hard on narrative), so obviously the balance of gameplay and story isnt applicable to every game, but for zelda in particular they say they are one but then still want the other part just as much? like the lore in skyward sword isnt great, the characters are strong though, the gameplay isnt that engaging (to me, since that needs to be said) i got through it mostly just bc i wanted to see what comes next and liked the characters, in botw the freedom and world and gameplay were like nothign i ever experienced, exploring was addictive and the story took a bit of a backseat, but it was fitting for the game and lend itself so well to theorize, in totk they .. idk what the focus was, the .. glue? the toys to glue together? nothing fits together there and each part works against another instead of together, somehow, its so weird to me

the thing is, if you do gameplay over story, you need to roll with it? if thats what it is then let the story take a backseat, make it subtle and in the background or vague, dont stuff the game full of unskippable cutscenes where a character you dont care about explains you a thing you already figured out through the gameplay; like the zelda dragon point, let the design of the dragon and its music, what its carrying speak for itself, the way the deku tree is weirded out by the sword moving, maybe a quick subtle voice line once you get the sword fading away like the last parts of her soul being whispered away- but dont mention it in one of the first cutscenes, fail to bury it in 'thats illegal though and irreversible so nono dont you do it' (why mention it then huh) allude to it multiple times, and then just straight up show it (i get people like the scene but man, it would have been way cooler to figure it out yourself)

same goes for the fake zelda thing, the weird way she said the bloodmoon text already alluded to it, have her show up here and there but vanish before you (no "omg thats zelda omg what is she dooooing") , or go even harder and make her an NPC standing around the world interacting with you all nromally but animals react weirldy to her- make the midfight against her (maybe even that she isnt talking so you are unsure if its actually her but controlled by sth else, or talk all normally while literally going for your throat) and then have her dissolve into goop and woa the bloodmoon thing is without her now the zelda you have been talking to has been fake the whole time, its creepy!! leave out the stupid cutscenes of showing it multiple times!! stop monologing at me!!

ppl that dont care about it can go and do a fight and i can think about it! everyone wins yahoo!

(actually ... if you leave out all the cutscenes in totk i feel like it improves the game by alot ...)

(what my point in the previous thing was in the end that you can repeat the same old trope only so many times without changing anything before it gets boring as hell, like what you said here, and the series seems to really be setting itself on fire bc it just wants to do the trope of old so badly and at some point its gonna drag down even the best of gameplays like gameplay over story means (to me) gameplay is prioritized so whatever narrative there is is in the background, subtle and not overtly in your face with big cutscenes etc- but what i feel like its often supposed to mean is "its fine if theres a shitty story that makes no sense pasted on top bc they prioritize gameplay so stop complaining" like to me what it should mean is more gameplay, less story, a measure of quantity not of quality, but what i feel like it often means is better gameplay, bad story, a measure of quality, not quantity )

maybe my problem lies elsewhere and im just projecting it on gameplay > story, that could very much be the case, i could have a fundamental missunderstanding about this here, im still just a guy with opinions in the end and got no knowledge about anything other than i play games sometimes and these are the things i like and dislike and would do differently *puts my head in my hands*

idk if im making sense, im usually not very good at explaining how i feel or think :/ (or i THINK im bad at it, autism be damned)

(sorry this got so long again ......................)

[freak-accident419]

hello all

i decided that i will be retiring from being a josh fic author.

it’s mostly because i’ve been drained and very busy and stressed with my personal life. additionally, i’ve also been obsessed with other things (ahem x-men) that has been recently overpowering my josh obsession. i say that he’s just being gently put to the side.

it’s been a fun and wild ride. thank you all for supporting me and showing me so much love toward my work. it’s an honor to know that my unusual mind has a special place in your hearts.

i originally started writing to incorporate more gn!reader fics in the fandom, hoping to be a model for others and a safe place for genderqueer people, men, non-women readers, as the fanfic world is predominantly women. and as a non-binary person on the masculine side, i wanted to read things i can be applied to. thus i started to write gn so that everybody can read. i now feel fulfilled—slightly empty as well, however. i had a foolish hope that people would write more gn, but f!reader fics and commentary is inevitable in a women-dominated fandom space. therefore, i would grow jealous of not being able to share these experiences, feeling invisible, unappreciated, etc because of my non-binary identity. and that wasn’t healthy. which later weakened my motivation to write or create content for gn readers.

the main thing i learned from this ‘retirement’ was simply the sensitivity of my feelings of insecurity, isolation, and invisibility. which is a whole big unrelated thing, but i just want you to know���if you are queer, you are loved, you are seen, you will be loved, and you will be seen. you can and will be celebrated. you exist. we see you. even if it doesn’t feel like it, even if nobody is actually there for you to advocate for your existence, you are not alone.

i’m tired of having to advocate for myself and other people like me. having to bring up my identity so that people know that i exist, so that i will be advocated for. but i know that no matter what i do, it won’t happen. i’m not important enough for that and i realize that. my identity is a small population in this fandom space anyway. i cant ask of other people to acknowledge me and advocate for me. hopefully one day in the future i will find a space that will.

furthermore, i have also learned that i myself am not a machine—but a human. my purpose is not pleasing others and constantly doing work, but to live. i am allowed to indulge in self indulgent things and with being human, jealousy is also inevitable. but i digress.

i am so glad to have made so much friends through this platform. i formed so many beautiful relationships with the most amazing people and i am eternally grateful for it all. thank you to everyone who has stuck with me still.

i may still be on here just to lurk or ramble, but i don’t think i will be writing again. but i end up never making promises, so who knows?

my account’s birthday/one year anniversary is on November 11, when i created my tumblr account and posted for the very first time.

i love and appreciate everyone that has showed their love and support for me over these months. you guys will always be in a special place in my heart.

[secretlysamcro]

do you have any tips for writing??? especially smut im in a rut and don’t know how to get out of it but i love all your writing

omg, someone coming to ME for TIPS. brb let me shed a tear.

Thank you so much for your kind words! Honestly, I don't think you all understand how kind and cute and loving u all are, it really makes me wanna cry 🖤

One thing I've realised, DO NOT force it. - If I'm going through a stage where I'm trying to write and I literally cant, I just stop. Cause the more I try when I'm in that head space I literally cannot even string a sentence together and then I get even more pissed at myself which just makes it worse lol.

- Take a minute, a day, a week even a fucking month. However long YOU personally need (DO NOT feel pressured) Then when that motivation/inspiration comes back, let it flow honey!! When it CUMS to smut, honestly?

- I just channel my inner slut and it gets me through. Inspiration comes from everywhere tho, your thoughts, what you see, what you read, what you experience etc. Even down to just reading other smut. - I know it can feel cringe writing it sometimes (not for me, not anymore anyway but when I first started I’d cringe the fuck out at every fucking word) but now Its like bitch! do you know how many people are gonna read this and LOVE it just as much as you do! Not only are these words making ME wet, but it’s gonna make SOMEONE ELSE wet (or hard) too? Chefs fucking kiss. That’s all I have I’m sorry lol, but pls feel free to message or send another ask if you wanted anything more specific! Love ya 🫶🏽

[madsmilfelsen]

mads i feel like you might have thoughts, i know youve been doing well with picking school back up, but I find it so hard to work hard/have goals when i feel so apathetic about the state of the world/the future... im smart and i know i can acheive more but i just cant get myself to do it. any general advice?

yeah, I suppose, but also take it with a grain of salt because yeah I have kids yeah I have responsibilities but I don’t have a job, so I do have more time than the average student to devote to classwork— I also live pretty far north in a predominately rural area so I’m not faced with a lot of urban issues like racism, hate crimes, severe poverty/homelessness, gun violence (most days) these are massive stressors, give yourself grace if you’re facing marginalized hardships, it’s hard to grow when your focused on survival and not let them hamper your ambitions, its a daily process of convincing yourself you’re worth the work your doing/undoing all the work of everyone who said you can’t— which some days that might be tough, too, but they pass.

at the beginning of this semester I started berating myself into doing the most boring readings of all time because it is in my self-interest to do so— learning is good for me, challenging my priors and my own thought process is good for me, finding new lenses of analysis of beloved subjects is good for me, going to class and socializing is good for me (even if my anxiety is through the roof the first few weeks). To say find what motivates you is such low hanging fruit but, what gets me out of bed in the morning might not work for you and vice versa— maybe you need to challenge yourself, maybe you need to lessen your workload

1. communicate with your teachers/professors— build a rapport, talk about your goals— this may be difficult to do in say an online class right but feel free to shoot them an email to introduce yourself, reach out to them with questions or any clarification on assignments, if they have campus office hours pop in and let them know the course is going for you, showcase the type of student you want to be until you embody it, fake it til u make it babe. Teachers are more approachable to me than my fellow students, always have been tbh, but my classmates can’t write me a letter of recommendation so

2. find your people— talk to the students in your group projects even after your wrap it up, engage in discussions, join a reading/study group/club if you can swing it. If you’re in a reading heavy class, this could save you: get a group of five people in your class that don’t annoy you— divvy up the readings, summarize a paper or chapter and share them (it’s easier to read five summaries than 80 pages— you just need enough to follow the conversation/discussion your professor wants to have, you’re not supposed to magically know the point of every lesson, you’ll get there in class as a class which is the fun part anyways). Get out of your house. Go to local events, campus events, book clubs, join a political coalition and annoy your representatives, find a bird watching group, take a peek at your library’s schedule bc there can be writing workshops, board game nights etc, go to art shows, find out where your local pow wows or pot lucks are held (you don’t need to be native to go— buy an ndn taco, purchase some wears if you can afford it— I went just last night but didn’t have a lot of cash on me so I bought multiple small gifts for others (and got to see on of my professor compete in her jungle dress!!!)— soak in the good energy, do not fuckin’ touch peoples’ regalia, appreciate the display of resiliency and effort it takes to be proudly native today, let yourself feel the same for yourself— you’re alive! you have agency! you can kick ass!).

At my reading group, we were discussing things we have lost in the general progression of society— and the loss community was my first thought, and someone beat me to it, then was pushed back against by someone else, saying hey, I can meet friends online, I have community there— which I had to then open my mouth and be like yeah, yes, for sure, but we are such a social species that it can’t replace face-to-face contact. I got more out of sitting there and discussing a book about dead economists for two hours and listening to everyone’s thoughts than like if i were in an online class, i’m not reading all those discussion board posts. This is not me putting down any sort of untraditional methods of friendship, because all trade of knowledge and bolstering interests can be beneficial. But also try to meet your online friends if you can, hop into a voice chat, get all that good stuff our monkey brains need to balance our humors and expel yellow bile (pls know i’m joking here)

3. yeah the world sucks, yeah you might feel like a drop of water in a ocean etc etc let this be your moment to not give a fuck (basically, relax), be unapologetically sincere in your interests, don’t give into the dread of uncertainty because you must trust yourself, your intuition, to move forward. Governments have sucked since idk the last five thousand years or so but we’re still kickin’ baby!

4. APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS— there are so many organizations and corporations and local efforts to broaden opportunities for education, you likely qualify for one and there’s really nothing like hey here’s some money because we believe in you :) My past two previous pell grants for my education degree were about 5k per semester that I was totally not expecting (I don’t know how this might change with uh all this bullshit but apply for your fasfa, contact them directly if your parents are assholes, help is available), and I have a second scholarship from my native corporation which covered almost my entire tuition. Plus, if you find the right type of organizations, get enough to cover tuition and then some, some allow for extra cash to be directly reimbursed to you— but keep your award letter if the IRS comes to pester you holy fuck)

5. Be Arrogant— weird advice I know, but I’m not saying go be an asshole— you’re smart, you know you deserve what you can achieve, be assertive, recognize your goals and remind yourself what they are out lout— any time I go substitute teach at the high school I tell someone that I’m going to be hired as a teacher some day and I look forward to working with them more. Let’s be real, lots of kids are scooting by in classes without applying themselves, try to talk at least one time per class, even if your just bouncing off another answer/asking a question (someone else might have wanted to know the same thing and too nervous to ask, who knows, u might be throwing a bone), 100% participation points every time. You get in what you put out, which;

6. Only way to do something is to do it— this is something I tell myself when my anxiety is bad and I want to cop out so fuckin’ bad, but I actually first started applying it to biking— If I want to ride my bike for 30 miles then I have to ride 30 miles, straight forward type of deal really

[scrrcwdestined-a]

Casual reminder that i have arthritis in both hands that flares up /very/ quickly - meaning i physically cant even hold my phone very long, let alone write (i look like im 90 when i use my phone half the time 🤦🏻)

Therefore, i am only able to do replies while on my laptop. This is not always feasible during the week as often times i am stuck studying/doing hw/etc school stuff until bed

Spring break starts monday - but i still have a paper due tuesday, and then we leave for a dog show thurs-sunday...which actually might be great for writing IF they have decent wifi

Im getting to that point where im wearing myself extremely thin again (full time work (and an extremely micromanaging boss) and also full time school is a 0/10 do not recommend). I miss tf out of obi-wan, his daughter ( @littlekenobi ), and my multi and most of all: all of yall, but my brain is like Sapped and motivation for 99% of things is extremely hard to find rn.

If you have ideas/want to plot/want to chat, PLEASE reach out to my discord. Im shit at checking DMs on tumblr, especially since i am primarily logged into my multi on mobile. Keep in mind i may be slow on discord, as i dont always have my phone by me when i am home and when i do, it is on DND 24/7 so i dont get notifications unless im actively looking at it. Its also logged into my school laptop which i have on for youtube/spotify while working m-f so that nukes my notifications sometimes agdbcjd

TL;DR i can only write while on my laptop which is mostly on weekends. Pls message me on discord if u want to plot/chat & forgive my slow ass thanks 🙏🏻

[theshiftingwitch]

hii. im scared this is gonna be a bit long. im sorry but i would really appreciate some advice.

i know how to manifest, i know i have to affirm and persist, do not care about doubts etc. but i simply do not know what i want

i broke things off with my ex on october and after that i went on some dates and even got somewhat intimate with a guy i really liked, but this whole time i still had my ex in mind. me and this guy stopped talking 2 weeks ago out of nowhere, even tho i was affirming for him while seeing him, but i was like whatever i will just get him back, but i cant get myself to persist for him, i just get a rush of motivation and after sometime im thinking about my ex and throwing some "he misses me and hes begging me to take him back"

the reason im not manifesting my ex back is bc things between me and him got really complicated, he treated me so bad and made me cry so many times, he was always saying he wasnt good enough for me and that he would change and do anything for me, but things never changed, which is why i broke up with him in the first place, which ended up leaving me ever more hurt bc he started treating me like trash and saying some stuff to me. My mom and friends hate him, his friends hate me,, and i know now i created those situations but they still hurt me very much, i wanted to move on thats why i didnt manifest him back. also bc i feel like i have so many things to work through and so many limiting beliefs and solid beliefs on him and that it would be hard to get him to conform yk, i know this itself is a limiting belief but i have it

but im kinda second guessing myself rn, sometimes i get visions of him with other girls and i really do not want that, he is still my baby after all and i'll tell you im starting to tear up writing this lol.

do you think it is better for me to manifest the guy i was seeing and really liked? and try to forget my ex even tho everytime i think about him (which is often) i can feel my chest tighten,, or should i accept that it is actually him that i want and put in the work?

for manifesting him back i was thinking about doing it in steps and with the list method, so first get him to apologize (him regretting and telling me stuff i need to hear, begging for me) then after we get back in contact to start affirming for a healthy relationship .

last thing, i have no idea what he's been up to this past months, i told my friends not to tell me anything if they saw him or heard about him, the only times i saw him was when we last talked that he promised me he would take this time to change and come back to me but could not promise me loyalty during this time bc "anything could happen", the morning when i go to school bc to get to mine i have to pass near to where him and his friends are (however i always tell myself not to look) and 1 week ago at the club, i was dancing with my friend and i saw him staring at me seemingly sad(???), breaking his neck almost bc i was far and behind where he was (i didnt know he was there this just happened), after i started affirming that he misses me when i think about him (but this affirming was not anything i actually committed to).

so, sorry, anyways i want to make sure in this 2 months he did not talk or kissed or anything with any girl, but i do not know how to go about this, im scared that bringing attention to that "not happening" would just increase the chances of that happening, how should i write it down?? (i would put this in the list method, while affirming for an apology)

im so so so sorry this was so long, but i want to finally have some clear idea of what i want .. so sorry, thank u so much in advance.

It sounds to me like you want closure more than you want your ex back.

Just as a disclaimer, although I always tell people how to manifest their SPS, I hold a deep grudge against shitty people, and I never condone manifesting someone who has been shitty to you in the past. You have your free will of course, and you can do whatever you want, but to clear my conscious I have to say, manifesting someone out of thin air who is your exact type is better than going through the process of manifesting someone who has already shown you their true colors.

Now onto your question: if you can't tell which one you want, and you're switching back and forth between the two guys, sitting down with your thoughts and journaling would be a very good idea for you. Get clear with your thoughts on what you want, ask yourself probing questions, and let it all out onto your notebook and you'll find that you already know what you want, it's just that your mind is clouded with a lot of clutter that you simply don't need. Once you shut down the noise, you will get a clear answer.

There is a reason why you're not committing to affirming, and you're not using any methods to get your ex back, and it is simply because deep down you know that you deserve better. And it's true, you do deserve better. Whether that better is the guy you're currently seeing, or someone else completely, that is totally up to you.

Here's my suggestion: if you are looking for closure, you can simply affirm that he apologized for his behavior. Nothing has to happen after that apology, you don't have to have a heart-to-heart or a second chance or anything, with your family and friends hating him and his friends hating you, it's already taken a toll on your mental health. So I can tell you that you can just affirm that you have a happy healthy relationship with him and everything is working out but it seems to drain you, and I never condone using anything that would drain you or suck the joy out of your life. That is not how manifestation is supposed to be. Manifestation is supposed to be easy and fun.

But if you sit down with yourself and you clear your thoughts and you realize that you do want him back, I do not suggest the list method for you. In this case, you would do better with a script. Write down how you wanted this relationship to go, from the very beginning, not just the apology. Go back to how you two started and rewrite the whole story. Give him the attributes you want in your dream guy, write down that he is obsessed with you and he loves you and he cherishes you and you didn't have to break up with him in the first place, write down that the relationship is perfect and everyone involved likes you two together. Then when you finish that script simply affirm that everything in your script came true.

I hope that helps, and if my personal opinion is not something you wanted to hear, please feel free to disregard it completely.

Happy manifesting ❤️

[steelycunt]

hi ridi! I hope you've been having a fantastic time in Dublin and that the rest of the year treats you lovingly. <3

i want to tell u officially how much I adore your writing! the way you string bundles of words into something so so so precious, and the way they flow so seamlessly into something that just clicks right in my brain-- I am actually so jealous of your writing! they are just sooooo lovely to be read... <3 anyway I've been curious about your writing journey! i am assuming you are younger than me since you are doing your last year of your degree (gooooood luck for your dissertation! I'm doing my master degree diss atm so watching ur journey has been such a dear companion to me) but your brilliant writing is just so inspiring to me... if you have the time would you be able to share a few tips on writing? xx

ahh hi this is so lovely of you thank you!! youre too sweet and it always makes me beyond happy to hear people enjoy my writing : ^ )) as for tips i do feel a bit unqualified to give out advice on writing as someone who only does this for fun + hasnt received any teaching/criticisms from actual writers + also has no intention of writing creatively in any capacity beyond this but there are a few things i find help me to write stuff that i myself enjoy...firstly i can link an ask i answered a while ago about writing dialogue or at least how i approach writing dialogue and also an ask about my personal writing style and whats important to me when im writing and this one about editing/writing a second draft..and this one about general writing tips which i answered a few years ago...in general though now i think the most important things to my writing are as follows : ^ )

really generic but so real just reading is the biggest thing for developing writing to me second only maybe to the act of writing itself and even then id say its pretty close...other people and especially published authors will word things and use phrases and employ descriptions in ways i would never ever have thought of and reading other peoples writing can introduce you to ways and styles of using language which wouldnt have occured to you otherwise!! its wonderful!! and reading something you really love can just remind you of what you can do with writing and i find that really helpful even just as motivation : ^ )

this is a personal style choice i suppose but i hateeee white room syndrome i HATE to read something where the settings and physical details arent fleshed out...or conversely i loveee that element of writing so its a really important bit for me!! fleshing out the environment like what does the room look like can you hear the bin men on the street outside are there magnets on the fridge is there washing up in the sink what mug are they drinking from do they own a novelty t shirt from a holiday two years ago. there is so much fun but also so much character building and atmosphere creation and period setting 2 be had in little details like that!! idk i just love to read it so i think everyone should do it and its just so much FUN like yes design their old-fashioned galley kitchen and fill it full of clutter!! so much more immersive than a scene which ends up taking place in a blank white room in my head because the setting is underdescribed.

in terms of editing my method is really laborious and probably inefficient but i do it for creative writing + uni essays and i cant imagine doing it any other way now..when i finish a draft i open a blank doc and put them beside each other and rewrite the scene in the blank doc...a lot of sentences youll write out exactly as they are but i find it comes much easier to make changes and think of ways to restructure sentences when youre typing them out from scratch rather than staring at an already written passage trying to improve it. its painful but it works!!

avoid moral purification and tumblr discourse speak and therapy speak at all costs!! moral purification and tumblr discourse speak and therapy speak are the Writing killers i instantly have to stop reading things when every character talks like theyre completely up to date on the latest online discourse and unproblematic and have all been through years of therapy. ESPECIALLY in a piece meant to be set in like. the 1970s. its so boring when people cant let characters behave poorly without finding some way to absolve them of responsibility or have them be able to perfectly explain exactly which childhood traumas have driven certain responses or behaviours. they are going to have to be bad people who can have the right values but might express them in a way different to what the piccrew tumblr pfp on your dash is saying in 2024. it also just means they all sound the same the characters have no individual voices or outlooks its just really boring!! i dont know if its a product of people being scared of receiving flak for writing anything else but consider this me giving everyone writing this sort of stuff flak right now. booo. boring.

chronic overuser of similes and metaphors here but nearly everything is like something else even only in a vague wayand for me and what i enjoy the more unlikely the comparison the better. and for the stuff that isnt like something else well thats the crux of it also...links back 2 the point about details a bit but using all the senses and the physiology of the human body (it does soo many things and experiences so many sensations and feelings in so many different places in so many different situations there is so much to be mined!!) and literally anything at all especially in a big moment or when ur trying to describe big emotions some writers are talented enough to tackle them head on but i personally am often not and so i find it easiest to concentrate on the smallest details of big emotions...almost like a cheat but i like how it works!!

this is all really generic stuff and things i have probably said before but hopefully something here is of use and if i think of anything else ill add to it!! but i think just writing badly and reading good stuff does make you get better at it there arent any rules except perhaps not using phrases or metaphors which are commonly used...yah!! thats the gist of it i think!! : ^ )

[ttaibhse]

i need to start up running again i haven't been in ages and i feel shitty about it but i still just don't really want to. especially now it's getting colder lol i like running in cool weather but when it's actually cold not as much. i was getting so bored of it idrk why i guess because i was running out of new routes to do... i hate running along the road and the thought of adding more distance which basically would mean adding more time on the road or just mindless loops of the parks wasn't really motivating lol. and i felt like i stopped making progress. and then i got sick and the pain in my back/hips came back for a while. and to be honest i was/am just disappointed that i wasn't losing any weight at least not perceptibly and obviously i was lying when i said the goal of it wasn't to lose weight lol. like not the only goal i did/do also want to just be a fitter and more active person and not let my bones crumble into dust by middle age whatever but ultimately i want to lose weight and it just wasn't happening. even though i wasn't intentionally eating much more to make up for the extra activity but i probably was doing it without meaning to. like admittedly there were definitely times i would be like oh i can have a bit more i did a big run today. not all the time but enough i guess. i feel like shit i hate being this size & shape i miss being skinny and the more time passes with me not being skinny it gets harder to remember the negatives that came with it. like i look back now and i know i was always cold and exhausted and obsessed with food and my whole life revolved around it like i know all that but i looked so much better -_- my clothes looked nicer. if someone took a photo of me i only had to worry about hating my face not my body as well. or not as much at least lol i always hated it i guess. but omfg my face even looks worse now because its just doughy. i cant stand it. i cant believe how fucked up i look lol

i hate writing posts like this i sound so cookie cutter stereotypical ED girl. it's so so embarrassing i can't stop feeling like this at nearly 28. im 28 in like 10 days and the first time i remember consciously deciding to stop eating to lose weight i was 10 or 11. my mum still seems to have genuinely blocked out the memories of it like any of it even though we talked about it at several different points in time when i was a teenager and i said to her what was going on and she was so angry with me like furious with me. and then again when i was an adult and just said outright because i knew i had put on weight over lockdown and i knew she thought i had just lost control of myself because she said so to my sister

so i said to her like look i was only really thin in uni because i was in like a 1.5k calorie deficit every single day. there were days i would stand up at the end of a lecture and almost black out lol so i said all that maybe 3 or 4 years ago was the last time i brought it up icr but still if the topic of eating disorders or similar comes up she will say things like "i hope youve never felt that way" LMFAO like full sincerity i swear to fucking god i dont understand. but anyway its not a great feeling knowing she thinks im fat because i just dont take care of myself. even though it is true i suppose. and every time i see my granny she comments on my weight. so anyway all that to say that's how i know it's true and it's not just in my head

like i can acknowledge that back in the day when i was something like 55kg and still thought i was huge that was some kind of dysmorphia involved. but not any more and it's just kind of a blow because i had finally started accepting this idea that i wasn't as big as i thought and now i am it's like i don't know like going backwards. like a nightmare come true or something it's literally all the bad thoughts i would have about myself are true now. i am that fat or even worse because i think i've been deluding myself i think i'm actually now bigger than i think i am. and i am lazy and eat badly and it still feels like my options are total lack of control or the tightest rein possible. theres no good middle ground i dont know how people find a middle ground. how do you eat normally lol. ive only ever been thin when i was barely eating + walking miles and miles every day AND on testosterone. i tried to do eating normally and now im so huge and i dont know what to do like logically i know there are people out there who have got it right so why cant i get it right